Like a shimmering of the dark air

I stayed up till 1 AM watching the first half of the final episode of Exandria Unlimited: Calamity, then at the break decided to go to bed because the episode (and this entire mini-campaign) was so good I wanted to be awake enough to enjoy it. This turned out to be a mistake since I didn't actually sleep much and now I have to wait until Monday to finish the episode, which is KILLING ME (enough so to make me consider a Twitch subscription). So, in the meantime, HAVE MY ZERXUS FEELINGS.

[Spoilers abound]

While everyone else has been (understandably) distracted by the lady wizards, I've found myself completely fixated on Zerxus "Sympathy for the Devil" Ilerez.

First of all, I am now obsessed with paladins as a class generally, and with the way Luis Carazo is playing the class in specific. "I don't believe in gods, but I believe I can redeem the devil" as a core mission statement for a character is just...holy, shit, wow?? Then, pivoting on that theme seamlessly to "I will sell my soul to the devil to save my friends and my world" once the Lord of the Hells' betrayal becomes apparent to Zerxus is just the best angsty icing on the thematic cake, with "your belief wasn't a mistake/kindness and forgiveness are never mistakes" sprinkles on top.

And I have been continually moved and impressed by Carazo and Brennan Lee Mulligan's performances, commitment, and emotional vulnerability while playing out the dynamic between Zerxus and Asmodeus, Lord of the Hells. The amount of times I have gently whispered at the screen, "yes, oh my god, thank you!" has reached some embarrassingly high number. Honestly, and not to be hyperbolic, but I am not used to getting things I want in media. I am accustomed to deep disappointment and mild aggravation when it comes to stories promising me complex, harmful--but deeply satisfying to explore fictionally, and therefore cathartic--dynamics, only to chicken out last minute. But both the player and the GM's iron clad commitment to staying in each and every moment with each other without flinching has been incredible to watch.

This is all with the caveat that I haven't yet watched the second half of the last episode, of course, so I could still end up needing to walk this back, but for once I strongly feel that I'm unlikely to have to do so.

Also, this? This is the Tragic Gay representation that I actually want. Zerxus, steeped in grief and guilt over the apparent death of his husband, a grief and guilt which fuels his unrelenting desire to heal and atone the world, a desire which becomes the nexus of both his central flaw and greatest strength--the unstoppable force of Zerxus' drive to redeem and be redeemed, crashing into the immovable object of the Lord of Lies is a). poetry and b). a freaking masterclass in how to build a character.

Like, yes, Calamity is filled with great characters and amazing performances from all the players. But Zerxus, for me, is on another level. The only other character who comes close in terms of complexity dovetailing with tragedy is Laerryn.

And I would be egregiously remiss if I did not mention in this post that Mulligan is just out here giving a free masterclass in both GMing and general storytelling. Absolutely withstands and lives up to his hype. Consider me a big fan.

So yes, anyway, tiny bit obsessed with Calamity generally and Zerxus specifically, okay bye.

 Voted today, which was rather stressful, but it went fine. Afterwards, as a reward, Mom and I went to Starbucks before running some errands. I got a chocolate cookie (I always forget I can get those unless I'm at a Starbucks in a bookstore where they display them in view) and I think a dragon fruit refresher, which was pretty great.

I also had therapy today (which is done remotely, and I am very thankful for that since our Covid status is apparently back in the red). With two stressful/time-consuming adulting tasks in one day, I decided I get to take the rest of the day off.

Mostly I've been continuing my rewatch of Legend of Vox Machina. I'm deliberately focusing on other characters this time around, since my initial viewing was consumed by my PERCY FEELINGS (of which I have many). Honestly, is anyone surprised that I am Percy trash first and human second? No, I didn't think so. In these matters, I am predictable af. But anyway, I'm purposefully sidelining the Percy feels (somewhat unsuccessfully because MY TERRIBLE BOY!!!!!!) in order to concentrate on Vax and Pike in particular since they're my next faves (and I know spoilers, so I am aware that Vax'ildan will eventually sneak up like a good Rogue and knife me in the feelings).

[Very mild spoilers for TLoVM/C1 I guess?]

I have like, some feelings??? About the whole Vax/Gilmore and Vax/Keyleth situation? Again, I know spoilers, so I know how this shakes out, and that's probably a good thing as far as tamping down on my expectations goes. And just. Bisexual rep is a tricky business, I say as a bisexual. It's hard to not seem as though one is saying that Vax's relationships with men are doomed to fail because they are ultimately less meaningful than his relationships with women because heterosexual/straight-passing relationships are validated by society. I 100% believe with my whole heart that that is in no way an intention of the narrative. But narratives don't exist in vacuums, and so things get messy.

I also think the compression necessary to convert a DnD campaign into a watchable serialized narrative makes this worse; we're literally not given any time to enjoy the fun flirtation between Vax and Gilmore before extremely lampshaded foreshadowing of Vax and Keyleth supersedes it. And I like Keyleth!! I hasten to add. But I still find myself feeling some kind of way because of the way this story unfortunately dovetails with existent, real world pressures on bisexuals to "pick a side."

I wish there were a better way out of this maze, because it's not that I think TLoVM has done anything "wrong" here. It's that bisexual rep is messy and complex, and yes, you can fix many of these issues with poly rep, but also I don't want that to be the solution in every single story. So, I guess all this is to say that my emotional response to this narrative is also flawed and complicated.

Anyway, this was very off the cuff, and I need to go make dinner, so... I LOVE PERCY, OKAY BYE.

Boy, how does journaling even work? I've forgotten. But I also know that it's good for my mental health, and the fact that I haven't been actively journaling in...years isn't great for me. I'm hoping to carve out a quieter corner of the internet for myself here, away from the churn of modern social media ("modern social media" makes me sound like the ancient husk I am). I know hardly anyone who uses this platform, but maybe that's a good thing. Start small, and all that.

Yesterday our neighbor noticed the AC line outside had frozen overnight and thawed in the morning. He let us know and we in turn let the landlord know. The landlord said he'd get someone out to look at it today, but that we should keep the AC off until then. Uhm. It's 90 degrees here. Thankfully, we survived, only for the maintenance guy to just change the filter, shrug his shoulders, and conclude that was probably the problem. Cool. We could have done that ourselves. Love risking Covid exposure for that.

Anyway, I'm working on draft 6 of Novel 1, and for the greater part of two weeks I've been hammering away at literally just the first chapter. Such slow-seeming progress is the exact kind of thing that drives me bonkers in the writing process, but I also know that being thorough on this draft will save me a lot of hassle down the road. I've also been listening to a lot of Great Courses on writing, editing, and publishing which have been dispiriting to say the least. I'm trying to just take what's useful and leave the rest, but it's tough when industry professionals are like, "Basically, kid, you're screwed." Like. Thanks????

I've been rewatching Game of Thrones while I work on my novel. "Watching" is probably too active a verb. More accurately I have it playing in the background while I write, and I only ever fully pay attention when Daenerys is on screen. Despite everything, I still find its familiarity comforting. I'm also trying to get back to a form of media consumption that isn't so completely predicated on authorial intent. I'm trying to move to a more (personally) productive model that considers less "Am I supposed to like the Starks? Am I supposed to disagree with Dany?" and more "*Do* I like the Starks? *Do* I disagree with Dany?" With the caveat that no approach can actually make this show good, but I love it anyway.

I actually (actively) watch Critical Role while I crochet. I'm about to start C2E57 (I think?) "In Love and War," which I believe introduces Essek (I'm not overly careful about spoilers) so I'm excited to get to that. I'm also happy to see Taliesin is back for this episode, because as delightful as Matt playing Taliesin playing Caduceus was I missed Taliesin.

Well, I need to go placate a screaming cat, so I guess that's it.