Like a shimmering of the dark air

[TW getting vaccines/needles]

So, I got my fourth Covid shot day before last. Side effects were not as bad as my second shot, but still not fun. Fever, aches, and it felt like there were splinters in my joints, so that was...fun. The main thing, though, was that I literally could not lift my arm past my shoulder, and I had mild muscle spasms. But most of that has cleared up today, just some lingering swelling and soreness.

I finished the Halloween scarf I've been working on for a while today. It took so long mostly because I kept pausing work on it to make other small projects in order to break up the monotony (ALSO CRITICAL ROLE KEPT MAKING ME CRY AND IT'S HARD TO SEE WHAT YOUR HANDS ARE DOING WHILE CRYING). The jack-o'-lantern appliques were a bit tricky, but I think I've finally got the hang of it. I've also been learning how to incorporate beading into my crochet with mixed results, but I like the way this scarf turned out.

It's beginning to occur to me that this will probably be my last autumn/winter in this house. It's a bittersweet thought. On the one hand, this house is almost literally crumbling around us, and the landlord won't do anything substantial about it. But on the other hand, this is the longest I've lived in one place in a very long time.

I need to start the process of going through possessions, downsizing and streamlining, but my mental health is such shit lately that I...can't. I've also got to get a job/find some way to bring in income soon, and I definitely cannot juggle both (or really anything at all right now). So, I'm trying to take some time to rebuild my store of spoons with middling success. I haven't got the vaguest clue how to actually relax, big surprise I know.

To no one's surprise, my current coping mechanism is fully indulging my House of the Dragon special interest.

[HOTD S1X05 SPOILERS]

[TW death, murder]

I have mixed feelings about last week's episode. Most of it is good, but those last few moments... This is an unfortunate bad habit that seems to be carried over from Game of Thrones, which is adapting/writing the story into a corner and, rather than coming up with a logical solution, they instead just do a Big Shocking Scene that makes zero sense if you look past the shock value. A kingsguard just brawling with a knight in the middle of the princess' wedding and beating that knight to death with absolutely no consequences is pushing it already, but to make Ser Criston also fully punch the future king consort in the face without a dang thing being done about it is too much.

I reread the Dance of the Dragon's portion of the Word of Ice and Fire yesterday, wherein Ser Criston kills Ser Joffrey Lonmouth in a tourney melee (and if I remember correctly, it's basically the same in Fire and Blood) which is functionally not at all the same thing as the scene on HotD. Although Criston Cole was in a "black rage" during the tourney, most likely due to the drama with Rhaenyra, deaths in tourneys are not completely uncommon, and it makes sense that it wouldn't be treated as a murder. But on HotD, Criston Cole unambiguously murders Joffrey Lonmouth in the middle of Rhaenyra's wedding feast in front of most of the nobility of the realm. And again, punched the princess' bridegroom in the face in view of everyone to boot. There's absolutely no way that would fly.

I get that they had a lot of plot points to chew through in this episode, but this...wasn't it. I've heretofore defended HotD's languid pacing, but I think they left themselves with too much to accomplish in this episode. I'm hoping this problem will not worsen over time the way it did on GoT, but S1x05 has left me rather more anxious than I'd like to be.

Still, I am deep in the Daemyra dumpster, and if nothing else episode five delivered on that front. It just...it hurts so good. So, have another fan edit, because this is my personality now.


Ugh. Like? I've been Daemyra trash ever since reading Fire and Blood years ago, but I was Not Prepared for what having these characters fully embodied on screen was going to do. Matt Smith and Milly Alcock have truly knocked it out of the park, and I am so looking forward to the time skip in the next episode and getting to see Emma D'Arcy's take on Rhaenyra. Like, the show isn't without flaw, but this thing--arguably the most important thing (to me)--is so absolutely on point. Credit where credit is due.

 Operation Get All My Friends On Dreamwidth: Underway.

Notwithstanding, I really do prefer it here. Feels less high stakes, and I've missed feeling the freedom to actually talk about things.

To that end, I've found myself smack in the middle of a depressive episode. I honestly didn't notice until the middle of the day yesterday when I realized the day was half over and I hadn't like, done anything. And the thought of doing anything made me want to curl into a ball and cry. It's been about the same today, although I did drag myself out of the house to do yardwork. It's roughly a billion degrees outside right now, and basically feels like I'm living on the surface of Arrakis, so that understandably took it out of me. I say "understandably" in order to half-convince myself, because afterwards I predictably got quite down on myself for not feeling like doing anything else, which I know is counterproductive, but I've never claimed to be particularly well-adjusted.

My executive function is quite low atm, so I also get this terrible decision paralysis. I become overwhelmed by questions like what to read next, so then I just don't do anything. Eventually, I kicked myself out of bed and shuffled into the study to start rewatching The Legend of Vox Machina (which is more time manageable than starting C1 while also scratching that itch), which at least succeeded in making me laugh.

Thankfully, there were leftovers to heat up, so I didn't have to make dinner. After that, it was a shower and making some herbal tea.

Still, this is one of those days where I have to remind myself that I have been productive. For instance, I finished rereading Thrawn: Treason, wrote a review for it on Goodreads, and started listening to Thrawn Ascendancy: Chaos Rising while I did the yardwork. I've done laundry (though I've yet to fold it). Etc. And yet, it still feels like I'm "wasting time." Always there's this sensation of a ticking clock and the feeling that I owe my time to something or someone, without a clear idea of what or whom.

Oh well. I'll probably spend the evening crocheting the hat I'm making for a neighbor and watching more Critical Role, and desperately trying not feel like I'm a waste.