Annoyingly, depression is real
May. 15th, 2022 07:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timegoddessrose Operation Get All My Friends On Dreamwidth: Underway.
Notwithstanding, I really do prefer it here. Feels less high stakes, and I've missed feeling the freedom to actually talk about things.
To that end, I've found myself smack in the middle of a depressive episode. I honestly didn't notice until the middle of the day yesterday when I realized the day was half over and I hadn't like, done anything. And the thought of doing anything made me want to curl into a ball and cry. It's been about the same today, although I did drag myself out of the house to do yardwork. It's roughly a billion degrees outside right now, and basically feels like I'm living on the surface of Arrakis, so that understandably took it out of me. I say "understandably" in order to half-convince myself, because afterwards I predictably got quite down on myself for not feeling like doing anything else, which I know is counterproductive, but I've never claimed to be particularly well-adjusted.
My executive function is quite low atm, so I also get this terrible decision paralysis. I become overwhelmed by questions like what to read next, so then I just don't do anything. Eventually, I kicked myself out of bed and shuffled into the study to start rewatching The Legend of Vox Machina (which is more time manageable than starting C1 while also scratching that itch), which at least succeeded in making me laugh.
Thankfully, there were leftovers to heat up, so I didn't have to make dinner. After that, it was a shower and making some herbal tea.
Still, this is one of those days where I have to remind myself that I have been productive. For instance, I finished rereading Thrawn: Treason, wrote a review for it on Goodreads, and started listening to Thrawn Ascendancy: Chaos Rising while I did the yardwork. I've done laundry (though I've yet to fold it). Etc. And yet, it still feels like I'm "wasting time." Always there's this sensation of a ticking clock and the feeling that I owe my time to something or someone, without a clear idea of what or whom.
Oh well. I'll probably spend the evening crocheting the hat I'm making for a neighbor and watching more Critical Role, and desperately trying not feel like I'm a waste.
Notwithstanding, I really do prefer it here. Feels less high stakes, and I've missed feeling the freedom to actually talk about things.
To that end, I've found myself smack in the middle of a depressive episode. I honestly didn't notice until the middle of the day yesterday when I realized the day was half over and I hadn't like, done anything. And the thought of doing anything made me want to curl into a ball and cry. It's been about the same today, although I did drag myself out of the house to do yardwork. It's roughly a billion degrees outside right now, and basically feels like I'm living on the surface of Arrakis, so that understandably took it out of me. I say "understandably" in order to half-convince myself, because afterwards I predictably got quite down on myself for not feeling like doing anything else, which I know is counterproductive, but I've never claimed to be particularly well-adjusted.
My executive function is quite low atm, so I also get this terrible decision paralysis. I become overwhelmed by questions like what to read next, so then I just don't do anything. Eventually, I kicked myself out of bed and shuffled into the study to start rewatching The Legend of Vox Machina (which is more time manageable than starting C1 while also scratching that itch), which at least succeeded in making me laugh.
Thankfully, there were leftovers to heat up, so I didn't have to make dinner. After that, it was a shower and making some herbal tea.
Still, this is one of those days where I have to remind myself that I have been productive. For instance, I finished rereading Thrawn: Treason, wrote a review for it on Goodreads, and started listening to Thrawn Ascendancy: Chaos Rising while I did the yardwork. I've done laundry (though I've yet to fold it). Etc. And yet, it still feels like I'm "wasting time." Always there's this sensation of a ticking clock and the feeling that I owe my time to something or someone, without a clear idea of what or whom.
Oh well. I'll probably spend the evening crocheting the hat I'm making for a neighbor and watching more Critical Role, and desperately trying not feel like I'm a waste.
